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Pretty Little Liars – Season 4, Episode 3

June 26, 2013 Leave a comment

NOTE: I’m surprised it’s taken me this long to add a note, but I should note (see what I did there?) that in order to fully enjoy this blog post, it helps if you have seen this particular episode.

Either I have no life, or this is a major accomplishment – having the will to “review” two straight Pretty Little Liars episodes.

Dude, Aria just made a connect four. She’d probably be the black pieces. I’m liking Spencer’s hair. She looks all innocent, so some sort of shit-storm is going to happen to her during this hour. MARK MY WORDS.

This baker invited Aria’s mom to Austria to sit next to a castle and eat celery. At least I’m pretty sure that’s what he said. I was laughing too hard to try and really figure it out, so we’re going with that.

“They offered me an internship. Might be San Francisco. Might be London.” Wasn’t this a Hilary Duff song?

I’M FUCKING SERIOUS ARIA. STOP SHUSHING ME DURING THE THEME SONG.

Hey it’s Spencer!!! (from iCarly).

Pauley Pavilion

Okay, it’s really this guy:

BUT, COME ON... It's the SAME guy!

BUT, COME ON… It’s the SAME guy!

Samesies.

Jake is an idiot.

Never ever in the history of ever have two people sat next to a fresh bowl of popcorn for three minutes and only eat one piece.

The painters must have also painted Hanna’s outfit because her skirt or whatever that was matched the office’s walls.

Commercial break.

Me: *sneeze* *sneeze*
*Pause*
Me: Bless me.
Katie: Bless you.

“An all new Baby Daddy after an all new Melissa and Joey!” That’s one of the worst things I’ve ever heard.

Lemme just waltz on in to the police department and not get noticed, even though I’m the only colorful thing in the entire building.

So what’s more implausible: Ezra, the man-child high school teacher or this man-child detective? Rosewood, Pennsylvania’s older person is probably Hanna’s mom, who is probably 44, not that it was researched or anything.

Second commercial break.

Anyone else wonder how long Caleb was chilling out in the parking lot waiting for Mr. Marin? Hey this guy is a poor-man’s James Spader.

Two weeks in a row Emily is talking about steroids. Cover it up with “prescription meds” all you want, we know the truth.

Are they saying that mask looks like Alison? Because. It doesn’t.

The entire Hanna-Hanna’s mom scene was completely ruined by Hanna’s shirt, which just said “Meow” on it.

Hanna tried winning connect 4, but only got to two. Aria is having none of this shit.

Seriously, all of these scenes are not working with the “Meow” shirt.

Pretty Little Liars just turned into a creepy porn. “I like when people call first. That’s what it says in the ad.” This dude is about to get some serious action.

This guy is just asking for a blow job.

Emily: What do you want?
Creepy guy: Your face

Hey. How is Emily breathing?

How long do you think Mr. Marin was stalking Caleb? The roles have been reversed!

Third commercial break.

“From executive producer Jennifer Lopez.” I stopped after that.

Here is Emily’s mom’s one scene per episode.

Quote of the day: “Passion is not supposed to be easy, it’s supposed to be passionate.”

This show is so boring. All they do is look scared and stare at masks.

Oh my god I thought “Spence” was going to make out with that mask. I mean since we didn’t get any Emily-Moze action, it’s the least this show could have done for me. And speaking of Spencer, she found her half-sister’s mask, which is kind of crazy. So…

I kinda called it.

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Pretty Little Liars – Season 4, Episode 2

June 19, 2013 2 comments

Emily has a bruise on her arm, which means she’ll lose at the swim meet, which means she won’t go to Stanford with Moze, which means they will break up, which means she will die alone.

Welcome to episode two of season four.

Why is Aria still sitting in the front of the class if she broke up with her too-good-of-a-looking young teacher? She still wants the D, obviously, so the front row is close enough. But what are the chances that all four girls are in the same class, when I was told that Spencer was really smart. Do you really expect me to believe that Ashley Benson’s character is smarter than Spencer.

Me: What’s the smart girl’s name?
Katie: Trojan Bellisario.
Me: No… Spencer. ….HER NAME’S TROJAN?!

So if a man has sex with her, did he just use a condom?

Emily is taking steroids.

Hey! This karate instructor is not Asian. It just happens to be a TOO-GOOD-OF-A-LOOKING young karate dude.

The last book Ashley Benson’s character read was the “Hungry Caterpillar,” which definitely means she is not supposed to be in the same English class.

Commercial break

I haven’t heard someone call someone else “Spence” since Everybody Loves Raymond when Ray calls the family friend’s kid “Spence buddy.”

You know, this kid.

123047

“My name’s not Spence-buddy.”

 

This bird should channel it’s inner Home Alone 3, which was the best one of the bunch.

Do you seriously think that Ezra… Mr. Fitz…has been alive long enough to graduate high school and then get a teaching degree at a university? Spencer looks just as old as him!

The karate guy (Jake, or something): The best way to trust someone is to trust them.
WISE WORDS. Stick to self-defense, bud.

Allison, to get her way, held her breath. What a child. Thank god she’s dead. I think.

Rule one of karate building: In order to be a teacher, you must be able to read the Ching Chong writing in the background.
KISS. What a surprise. Of course Aria’s fighting abilities only come out once she leaves.

Commercial break: First commercial is a movie with Channing Tatum. ABC Family really has this teenage girl demographic wrapped up.

“Don’t talk to me like I’m a bucket of rocks.” That’s odd. And specific.

What bothers me about Pretty Little Liars is how quickly forgiving these girls can be. Mona Lisa was very hostile and tried to kill the girls and now they are all friends and chill. And then Toby, even more sad-sappy, was very hostile during his tenure as “A” or whatever he was and now he is having sex with Spencer.

More steroids for Emily.

I can totally see the Pretty Little Liars casting director wanting an athletic rival, and that it made sense to cast a black girl.

Me: He’s gonna cry!
Toby: *chokes up and cries*
Even more sad-sappy than The Office’s Toby.

THE BIG RACE.

They are making this too slow of a scene (is it really that important?) and then HOLY SHIZ. The girl kept swimming into the wall. That’s what she gets for taking so much steroid-like substances.
POTENTIAL SWIMMERS NOTE: The amount of blood you lose during a swimming meet is directly proportional to your chances of attending Stanford.

Tracy Morgan flying around endorsing Mio. Yeah.

Emily wants to finish the race, twenty minutes after everyone else. That’s what she meant by wanting to break the record.

HEY I WAS RIGHT ABOUT THE GUY BEING NAMED JAKE.

What song is that bird singing? We are in a technology age. Use Soundhound or Shazam, bitch!
Detective Wilden probably deserved getting killed due to the fact he stalked these girls twice.

“A Prius for everyone,” the commercial says. I doubt there are seven billion Prius’s out there.

Final six minutes.

Me: Better be the karate kid.

Bell rings, Aria opens, and it’s the karate kid. This show is so predictable. ARIA HASN’T CHANGED HER CLOTHES. At best, she reeks of newly-rolled-on Dove deodorant and hours of dried sweat.

This show always ends one of two ways:

All four girls checking their phones simultaneously OR
Random hands doing some freaky shit.

Episode two brings us two Emily/Moze kisses. I’m faithful about episode three.

Categories: Uncategorized

My Own Personal Struggles with Religion

September 1, 2012 5 comments

Disclaimer: It is important to remember that blogs often exist to promote feelings, facts, and opinions about various topics. I do not claim to know everything about religion and my studies of it reflect that. Taking an Anthropology of Religion class and being currently enrolled in a Contemporary Human Problems course does not make me an expert in this field. I can, however, through observation, discussion with religious experts, and by looking through the Bible, state my opinions with valid reasoning. It is not my intention to offend anyone with the points of view I present, but at the same time, I more than welcome a lively discussion.

Despite being raised in a less-than-religious household, I was raised to believe from my own thoughts, really, that Atheists were bad. I did not know why or how I came up with that conclusion, I just did. Then I heard about not judging a book by its cover, a phrase that became well-known in middle school as a way to teach students to take the opportunity to get to know other peers. It felt like it was my duty to give Atheists a fair chance. After all, telling myself that these people were bad without any substance to what I was saying was not a reasonable judgment. It was at this moment, the beginning of high school, where I set out to figure out once and for all how I really felt about Atheists and, eventually, religion in general.

I tried my best to be a good son and a wonderful student. I listened to my elders and followed all the rules. I showed up to school every single day and tried the hardest I absolutely could. In retrospect, that is all I really could do. Of course, by being a good son and a wonderful student meant not having the terrible traits in life. This is why I never wanted anything to do with Atheists. I mean, an Atheist does not believe in God! They must also get high and drunk and have no value in life, right? This is exactly how I felt in middle school, which is why I never even said the word “Atheist.” I was just an ignorant kid who thought he knew a lot about life because of his straight A’s, but in reality, knew very little.

I had preconceived notions about being an Atheist and I let those so-called stereotypes overpower my choice in religion. I vividly remember one day in middle school where I was asked about what religion I was. I had overheard others say that they were Christian. Everyone already thought I was weird in middle school and I did not want to become alienated as well, so I also said “Christian.” I hated lying and I did not want to this forever, so I knew that something had to be done.

I did not want to be pressured into being a Christian and once high school began, I had a fresh start. I could be whoever I wanted to be. Before being labeled, I started to shop around at the different religions. After much research, I realized a few things:

I still did not like the idea of Atheism.
I also do not like Christianity.

Society led me to believe that it was either Christianity or bust. I knew one day I would get asked about my religion once again. In high school, it happened. I looked at the person and when I did not agree with Christianity and I still had doubts about Atheism for a still unknown reason, I finally said “Agnostic.”

They asked what it was and, my mind remembered exactly what it was: not having any religion. While what I said was a very much watered-down version of it, if I could remember that, then there must have been something special about this religion. Why did I choose Agnosticism over everything else?

Now, we jump ahead five years, to this current summer. I have become much more wise and open to everything around me. Having taken a course that had specific focus on religion, I could now make better assumptions:

I love the idea of Atheism.
Science is factual.
Christianity is not.

This was a radical change of mind, but I was still Agnostic. At this point, I’ve had the opportunity to read about religion, visit church, take a class, look through the Bible, and even talk to those who know a bit about it. So why the quick negative change when it came to Christianity?

I have come to realize that the Bible has many contradictions and the people who follow it religiously contradict themselves. It is at this point now if people have answers, then I am more than willing to listen. I want to know why God made man perfect and then man disobeys him. Is the Lord about war or peace? Is Jesus equal to his father or not? How can an almighty God not remember things and is he or is he not satisfied with his creation? Why isn’t length of years or dinosaurs explained in the Bible?

The Christian Bible is faced with potentially hundreds of contradictions. People have been studying the book for years with no answers. The authors refuse to tell us how long days were back then, why they believe the Earth is only 6000 years old, and will not say when and where Jesus will return, if at all. I have a hard time following and believing a story that, without a doubt, seems to be made up. I have an even harder time believing that others can follow such a story.

I am all about the facts. That is why science has and always will be much farther along in proving its theories than religion. Science versus religion has been a debate that has been brewing for quite some time and because so many people know so much about it, I’ll leave it as one simple remark. As soon as scientists can replicate the Higgs Boson Particle and close in and eventually figure out how the Big Bang happened, then the Bible and, more specifically, the Creation Story, goes down the drains. It would be at this point where the Bible would become one big fable, a work of fiction.

My choice of reading material that I choose to learn about has undoubtedly affected my views. I have become quite the fan of Richard Dawkins, one of the more famous Atheists, as well as a fan of finding flaws in religion, something that seems to be very easy.

I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world.
-Richard Dawkins

If religious people had an open mind about science and what was/is around them, then this would be a whole different story. Diehard Christian students often learn about science from religious-based textbooks. For more information on that last sentence, watch “Jesus Camp.”

It is totally understandable if someone were to read this blog and think, “This author, this Alex Miller, sure is a terrible person. He bashes religion when he probably does not go to church.” And, to some extent, that person is right. For a long time, like I said, I thought being an Atheist was considered bad. When you live in a country that claims to be some eighty percent Christian, you cannot help but feel bad about being an Atheist or even Agnostic for that matter. Each day, I honestly think about how I feel about higher powers and I think, “Everyone else around me would probably look down at me, so I should do something about that.”

I try to do one good dead every day, both big or small. This at first started out as something I should do, but something inside me had an awakening and it changed into something I like to do.

For the last six or seven years, I tried balancing believing I should be a good person and the struggle of not believing in God.
I was able to have an open mind, be a good person, and end up a non-believer.
Agnosticism allows us to have a free mind and be more open and live fuller lives.
Why would any sort of religion want to take that away?

Pretty Little Liars SEA3, EP7

July 25, 2012 1 comment

Secret Life of the American Teenager is mindless and stupid. Pretty Little Liars is mindless and stupid and confusing.
This is the second full episode I’ve ever seen and the fifth I’ve at least had to hear in the background. The show begins with some random dude asking Hannah for blood. I thought I was done watching Twilight until November.
I’ve had a sneaky suspicion that the entire show is built around Aria, AKA Selena Gomez because in every picture, she is shushing me with her finger to her mouth.
CeeCee, if I’m even spelling that right, is a poor-man’s Kristen Bell, which is really saying something about the “poor-man” part I mentioned. Last time I checked, CeeCee was, like, two years old and the kid of Jim and Pam Halpert.

Ella: “Why am I asking you; you wear forks for earrings.”
I guess I’m not done watching Twilight.

Toby, the sad sap from The Office, is lurking around the high school. From what I remember, that is the guy that had sex with his step-sister and then was blamed for throwing a firecracker at her. What a relationship.
The dramatic music before the first commercial break was so loud, I could not hear the actress’ voice, which is probably okay.

Hot Ouija board action after the break. All of these blonde girls would believe in this hocus pocus.

Mona: “Spirits, do you know what happened to Alison De Laurentiis?”
Yeah, she became this woman:

Alison appeared in the window like the antagonist did in “Kindergarten Cop” when John Kimble was taking a nap.
“I am John Kimble and when I’m not a detective, I am a kindergarten teacher. My life is not-so-amazing. Also, my headache is not a tumor.”
I honestly have not been paying attention to the last five or six minutes, which will make this amazing review that much harder.
Nurse: “Her visits have to be supervised, but you won’t even know I’m here.” *Sits four feet away*

Pretty Little Liars is the type of show that you need to watch from the beginning, kind of like Arrested Development, but AD was actually a good show. It is a shame that the good guys really do finish last.

Emily: “There are things you need to know about Jenna.”
Sit back black guy and let me tell you what you need to know about Jenna. She has a full time job as a salesman after spending years at the front desk answering phone calls. Jenna is an aspiring actress and actually got a role in a film about zombies who don’t wear much clothes. She has a twin and, generally, comes from a very powerful, yet stupid Texan family, which is basically all families in Texas. Oh and she used to be blind. BYE.

CeeCee: “If I ever see you anywhere near Nate, I will scratch your eyes out.” If girls do not like when others refer to them as sandwich making girls who partake in “cat fights,” then don’t make it easy for us to call you sandwich making girls who partake in “cat fights.”

Me: And that’s Spencer?
Katie: *eating a carrot* No, that’s Hannah.
I’m never going to figure this out. Mona never smiles. It finally makes sense that I called her Mona Lisa.

Me: That’s Spencer.
Katie: Yeah.

The whole idea of Pretty Little Liars is to try and figure out who the mastermind is behind all of the havoc, otherwise known by the First Letter of the Alphabet. This entire episode had nothing to do with that. ABC Family and the damn bait-and-switch.
We watched the Big Bang Theory during the final commercial break. That was the best minute of this hour.

Hannah: “What’s up with your mom?”
Aria: “She’s a slut.”
She Lives Under Trees, or so I am told by Mona. So Aria’s mom is a hobo?

The ending of the episode depicted a pair of hands choking a baby doll.
So Pretty Little Liars is really just a reaction video to Toddlers and Tiaras.

Secret Life of the American Teenager SEA5, EP6

July 24, 2012 Leave a comment

It is a terrible idea to watch Secret Life of the American Teenager’s first episode of the fifth season and then not again until episode six. Then again, it is a terrible idea to watch this show to begin with. I mean, what the hell is going on?

That Justin Beiber look alike could not keep it in his pants when it came to pursuing Madison and now, he is with some new female Ching Chong talking to a random black woman who happens to be meandering on the street. This older woman seems to know an awful lot about both teenagers.
Finally, diversity.
The woman reminded me of Oprah Winfrey from The Color Purple, but she is the foster mom of Justin Beiber. This is literally the first time I’ve ever heard of a white kid getting adopted by a black woman.
Amy’s dad is with a different woman. A much younger woman!

Me: They are together?
Katie: Yeah.
Me: Where is Molly Ringwald?
Katie: She’s gay.

 

Grace told Justin to sit behind the organ. Makes sense. Make him sing, yo.
Omar, who is easily in his 30s, is dating Adrianne, who just started college.
Hold on, Tom is talking. I need to really really pay attention to understand what he is saying.
I could not understand. All I heard was “down syndrome.”

Ricky is talking to some Indian man after the first commercial break. Who is this guy? ABC Family needs to explain things for people like me who watch every fifth episode.
The Indian man adopted Ricky when he was younger. Turns out, the Indian man and the black woman are married. I think them two along with Ricky and Justin Beiber alone could make a wonderful spin-off.
Reverse Adoption.
India Is Black For Good.
Poverty Rules.

Amy: I don’t want my mother at my wedding…and it’s not because she’s gay.
Black woman thinking: Yes it is.
Me: Yes it is.

Later on…

Amy: “I don’t have a family.”
Welp, I guess that means the Indian and black woman can adopt you.

I asked where the sausage king was and right on cue, he popped up on screen.

Me: Is he [Ben] still dating Firecrotch?
Katie: No. They had to break up.
Me: Had. Why?
Katie: They blew up a school.

During the third commercial break, an iPhone commercial came on. Siri was the best actor through the first 35 minutes and there is a 65% chance that stays the same way by the top of the hour.
For the second time, the show came back on starting with Tom. I just waited, like two minutes for the show to come back on and now I have to wait a few minutes more before I can understand anyone.

Dad: Jack…Jack…JACK.
Jack: Oh, sorry, I was just listening to “We Are the Champions” thinking about the failures of my life.
Okay, not really, but he was cradling a football listening to music.

Katie: They say he [Jack] is the next Tebow.

 

Dillon wants Ben, who cheated on her with his best friend, Alice. Dillon doesn’t know and Ben wants to prove to Dillon’s mom that he is sane. While this is complete gobbledygook, I just want a pickle.
Alice wants to get back together with Henry, who does not know that Ben and Alice had sex, but Henry just wants to be friends with Alice because he does not want to date, at least not since he had sex with Adrianne, Ben’s ex-wife.

Jack randomly wants to marry Grace. I believe I said in my last blog about Secret Life that the football player would inevitably get back together with the cheerleader. Everything is falling into place. I’m like Nostradamus, except that I am not a phony.

Justin Beiber and the new female Ching Chong just kissed for the first time. The girl said that it made her happy. Happy happy.
Which means she probably has a penis.

The show is over and now something called Bunheads is on, which is a nice insult for a stupid person or a stupid show about ballerinas.

100% chance Siri was the best actor.

Random Musings 2

July 22, 2012 Leave a comment

The fascinating thing about riding on an airplane is the simple fact you are able to rip the loudest fart you possibly can muster and no one will hear it. Of course the same circulating air means that everyone around you has to not only smell it, but endure it. Thinking about it, I have to deal with it as well.

The story of Helen Keller is easily one of the most impressive things I have ever heard or read about. I do not think enough credit is given to her teacher, which is evident because I cannot even tell you the teacher’s name. However, if I was her teacher, I probably would have sat her down at the dining table and gave her a coloring book and white colored pencil and let her “have at it.” Thinking about it more in-depth, the probably is now a definitely.

Now I’m not saying I am fond of looking at homeless people, but I do get enthralled reading some of their signs, which ranges from the popular “God Bless” to entire paragraphs about no longer being a “cat women since all of them died.” I have never been inclined to give a homeless person money because I was told in elementary school by a teacher that they once gave money to a homeless person only to turn around and see him buy booze. Why do I even remember that? I can’t even remember my math teacher from third grade. Thinking about it deeper, I don’t recall her being a very good teacher. She’s probably homeless now.

Vince Gilligan is a mastermind. The creator of Breaking Bad took a cancer-stricken teacher that we all rooted for into an intense villain that….that we still root for. That would be like the Easter Bunny coming out and saying that he is really Satan, but still complimenting him on how fuzzy his hair is. Thinking about it, has anyone ever pictured Satan as a soft fur ball of a creature? Hell just got a little gayer.

The town where I attend college, Clinton, Iowa, has a high school. That fact is stupid. Clinton High School is home of the River Kings and Queens since it is located near the Mississippi River. That fact is also stupid. When you think about it being an All Boy’s school… you’re entire view of the institution changes. Think about it.

I was recently dubbed a “nerd” when it came to the late 80s, early 90s television show, Full House. This is both a respectable honor and the beginning of my eventual downfall. I do not know what it means to know that there are 192 episodes, the man that wanted to buy the Tanner’s house was Lou Bond (the name is Bond…Lou Bond), or that Michelle totally did not deserve to be princess for the day because she cut in front of Stephanie, which, totally honest, still makes me upset to this day. That stupid monkey-looking brat got everything she wanted. I am amazed at how often Full House comes up in conversation in my life. Good thing I can hold my own during those talks.

I just got a whole can of Minute Maid orange juice from the flight attendant, along with a cup of ice. Living the high life from seat 16C. The can informed me that inside lies 160% of Vitamin C serving. Now, I am not only afraid of the plane blowing up, I’m scared I just might blow up.

I want to start a band called Army of Frogs.

When it comes to helping set up a bridal shower party, a menstrual cycle is trying to creep up in me. When I am forced to sit in the next room, I feel alone. The point here is that we should lock girls in rooms alone when they have their period, only briefly stopping by to give them mini sandwiches, that they obviously made themselves and little cups of water to help tame said period.

Every empty church I have ever been to has kicked me out for trying to give my own sermon to a few select individuals, also known as my friends. At least I did not have a man give me a massage followed by sex. If anyone gets this reference, let me know. A kudos is waiting for you.

Yesterday, I found a Minnesota Twins Rusty Kuntz baseball card. I kept it. Why is “Kuntz” a word on Microsoft Word?

Katie brought me food with a grape chilling out in ranch. I do like grapes and I do like ranch, but I do not like grapes in ranch. Granch. Ranpes. Grapch. Rapes.

Many students say that the hardest part of an essay is to write the conclusion.

The Sims

July 16, 2012 1 comment

Every day, I got up, took a shower, drank juice, watched some cooking show on television, and then took a cab over to the community pool to get to know people, primarily women. This went on for some time before I had an awakening: why don’t I get a job at the local stadium? Being a so-called “rabid fan” would surely help get me where very few have gone…into the “sports legend” realm.

The fantastic thing about The Sims is that you can be exactly like your real-life self, or a much screwed up version of that. Most people who play the game go with the former. We spend countless hours perfecting the very house we live in and the bedroom we lay upon. Thank god for the intricate details the designers put into creating characters because it has to be just perfect! Will Wright and Maxis came out with the first Sims game back in 2000. It was revolutionary at the time. You had a job, you tried to have relationships, and you had burglars come to your house far more often than they should. The only gripe to the first game was the fact that you could never leave your house or yard, other than to work, which you never saw.
The Sims: Privileged House Arrest.

A few months ago, I downloaded The Sims onto my computer for good times. After an hour, I realized how lackluster it was and quickly bought a copy of The Sims 3 on eBay. A few days later, I was ready to roll.

The Sims 3 no longer gave me the desire to trap innocent people into a tiny room with a fireplace OR have someone swim and then taking out the steps, so the person drowns, much like the first game did. Instead of wanting to desperately kill anyone that came in my path, I wanted to talk to them and get to know them, which is quite easy in the third installment of this franchise. By simply shaking her hand, I learned that Zelda Mae is flirty and a party animal. I’m willing to give her a chance, so I continue on. I franticly spin around and magically change into my swimming outfit and jump into the pool. Zelda Mae joins me and right away, I click on her head and splash water in her face.

These were good times.

Something, however, did not feel right. Yeah, Alex the sim looked like Alex me in real life. Sure he had a fairly dirty house to himself and I still live at home/college, but it is a near replica with what I could work with. At some point, the realism was not enough. I saved and exited out of my life and created another one. My girlfriend, Katie, is short, likes computers, and is a bit childish. So that is what I made. She moved in across the house from me to make life ridiculously easy. I saved her life, exited, and then went back to mine.

Yeah, Zelda Mae might be my crush after five sim hours in the pool, but the real prize was across the street. To this day, I do not know how Katie survived considering she had about $60 when I left her in her new house and did not have a job, yet always wanted to bring me some desert. After a few days of schmoozing Katie and blowing off Zelda’s repeated calls, I now had two crushes.

Being a “player” was not a trait I possessed.

We finally began dating and as a result, constantly stayed over at her house, but slept in separate beds. She could not afford a bigger one, which left me to question whether or not she was the perfect match for me. I realized I made more than enough money, so I bypassed that thought.

It had been a week between the time I rang her doorbell and shook her hand to the time we “woohooed.” That is Maxis’s way of saying sex.

I wish wearing a condom was an option because she got pregnant. Now I have a pregnant girlfriend I’ve known for a week, a crush who won’t stop calling, and spoiled brownies in the house I never go in anymore. After a few days, the baby emerged from the vagina of my sim girlfriend and into the bathroom, which was, thankfully, mopped.

I had no choice. I randomly pulled a ring from my shorts and proposed to her, right in her bathroom, next to an hour old baby. Dirty and probably hungry, she said yes.

I was prompted to bring all of her household net worth, all $60, with me across the street. No longer would she starve, which was evident in the fact the first thing she did as a married couple was make macaroni and cheese.

And she did not even share it.

Things were going great. I was a rookie in the sports career. Katie had no skills to speak of, so she was a stay at home mom. Of course, I use “mom” loosely here. Drinking juice while a baby rolls around in the middle of the bathroom pops up certain questions about motherhood. While at work, I clicked on the baby to take control of it.

Malia.

Malia? What kind of white girl name is that? Because we were not married at the time, the game randomly generated a name for my daughter. I looked at my wife when I got home and told her I was not Obama.

After a week of marriage, Katie randomly came up to me and accused me of cheating.

I can explain. Because my sim guy still technically had a crush on Zelda Mae, though he had not talked to her in a very long sim time, she counted that as cheating. Our relationship faltered to an all time low and I was forced to buy myself a new bed to sleep on. But because I control the show, I made sure to buy my guy a better bed than her. A few days of apologizing and Katie’s sim finally let me have some more woohoo in our bed. Things were great, Malia was now a child, and I was a superstar.

You’ll often find that life can never fully be fulfilled. Katie became a world-renowned chef, I began to buy properties and write books, Malia had a part time job and was easily the smartest kid in her school.

Speaking of writing books, my sim character is quite the prolific romance novel writer with such hits as
No Arms, No Legs, Lots of Love
They Put The “G” In Gay
They Put The “L” In Lesbian
Egregious Sex
Zoophailia
Diary of Anne Frank’s Lover

Now, we jump to today, I am a sports legend, Katie does all the collecting of money around town, and Malia is about to become a young adult. She is growing up so fast, it makes me want another sim kid.

Hopefully not in the bathroom this time.