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The Sims

July 16, 2012 1 comment

Every day, I got up, took a shower, drank juice, watched some cooking show on television, and then took a cab over to the community pool to get to know people, primarily women. This went on for some time before I had an awakening: why don’t I get a job at the local stadium? Being a so-called “rabid fan” would surely help get me where very few have gone…into the “sports legend” realm.

The fantastic thing about The Sims is that you can be exactly like your real-life self, or a much screwed up version of that. Most people who play the game go with the former. We spend countless hours perfecting the very house we live in and the bedroom we lay upon. Thank god for the intricate details the designers put into creating characters because it has to be just perfect! Will Wright and Maxis came out with the first Sims game back in 2000. It was revolutionary at the time. You had a job, you tried to have relationships, and you had burglars come to your house far more often than they should. The only gripe to the first game was the fact that you could never leave your house or yard, other than to work, which you never saw.
The Sims: Privileged House Arrest.

A few months ago, I downloaded The Sims onto my computer for good times. After an hour, I realized how lackluster it was and quickly bought a copy of The Sims 3 on eBay. A few days later, I was ready to roll.

The Sims 3 no longer gave me the desire to trap innocent people into a tiny room with a fireplace OR have someone swim and then taking out the steps, so the person drowns, much like the first game did. Instead of wanting to desperately kill anyone that came in my path, I wanted to talk to them and get to know them, which is quite easy in the third installment of this franchise. By simply shaking her hand, I learned that Zelda Mae is flirty and a party animal. I’m willing to give her a chance, so I continue on. I franticly spin around and magically change into my swimming outfit and jump into the pool. Zelda Mae joins me and right away, I click on her head and splash water in her face.

These were good times.

Something, however, did not feel right. Yeah, Alex the sim looked like Alex me in real life. Sure he had a fairly dirty house to himself and I still live at home/college, but it is a near replica with what I could work with. At some point, the realism was not enough. I saved and exited out of my life and created another one. My girlfriend, Katie, is short, likes computers, and is a bit childish. So that is what I made. She moved in across the house from me to make life ridiculously easy. I saved her life, exited, and then went back to mine.

Yeah, Zelda Mae might be my crush after five sim hours in the pool, but the real prize was across the street. To this day, I do not know how Katie survived considering she had about $60 when I left her in her new house and did not have a job, yet always wanted to bring me some desert. After a few days of schmoozing Katie and blowing off Zelda’s repeated calls, I now had two crushes.

Being a “player” was not a trait I possessed.

We finally began dating and as a result, constantly stayed over at her house, but slept in separate beds. She could not afford a bigger one, which left me to question whether or not she was the perfect match for me. I realized I made more than enough money, so I bypassed that thought.

It had been a week between the time I rang her doorbell and shook her hand to the time we “woohooed.” That is Maxis’s way of saying sex.

I wish wearing a condom was an option because she got pregnant. Now I have a pregnant girlfriend I’ve known for a week, a crush who won’t stop calling, and spoiled brownies in the house I never go in anymore. After a few days, the baby emerged from the vagina of my sim girlfriend and into the bathroom, which was, thankfully, mopped.

I had no choice. I randomly pulled a ring from my shorts and proposed to her, right in her bathroom, next to an hour old baby. Dirty and probably hungry, she said yes.

I was prompted to bring all of her household net worth, all $60, with me across the street. No longer would she starve, which was evident in the fact the first thing she did as a married couple was make macaroni and cheese.

And she did not even share it.

Things were going great. I was a rookie in the sports career. Katie had no skills to speak of, so she was a stay at home mom. Of course, I use “mom” loosely here. Drinking juice while a baby rolls around in the middle of the bathroom pops up certain questions about motherhood. While at work, I clicked on the baby to take control of it.

Malia.

Malia? What kind of white girl name is that? Because we were not married at the time, the game randomly generated a name for my daughter. I looked at my wife when I got home and told her I was not Obama.

After a week of marriage, Katie randomly came up to me and accused me of cheating.

I can explain. Because my sim guy still technically had a crush on Zelda Mae, though he had not talked to her in a very long sim time, she counted that as cheating. Our relationship faltered to an all time low and I was forced to buy myself a new bed to sleep on. But because I control the show, I made sure to buy my guy a better bed than her. A few days of apologizing and Katie’s sim finally let me have some more woohoo in our bed. Things were great, Malia was now a child, and I was a superstar.

You’ll often find that life can never fully be fulfilled. Katie became a world-renowned chef, I began to buy properties and write books, Malia had a part time job and was easily the smartest kid in her school.

Speaking of writing books, my sim character is quite the prolific romance novel writer with such hits as
No Arms, No Legs, Lots of Love
They Put The “G” In Gay
They Put The “L” In Lesbian
Egregious Sex
Zoophailia
Diary of Anne Frank’s Lover

Now, we jump to today, I am a sports legend, Katie does all the collecting of money around town, and Malia is about to become a young adult. She is growing up so fast, it makes me want another sim kid.

Hopefully not in the bathroom this time.

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