Posts Tagged ‘abc family’

Pretty Little Liars – Season 4, Episode 3

June 26, 2013 Leave a comment

NOTE: I’m surprised it’s taken me this long to add a note, but I should note (see what I did there?) that in order to fully enjoy this blog post, it helps if you have seen this particular episode.

Either I have no life, or this is a major accomplishment – having the will to “review” two straight Pretty Little Liars episodes.

Dude, Aria just made a connect four. She’d probably be the black pieces. I’m liking Spencer’s hair. She looks all innocent, so some sort of shit-storm is going to happen to her during this hour. MARK MY WORDS.

This baker invited Aria’s mom to Austria to sit next to a castle and eat celery. At least I’m pretty sure that’s what he said. I was laughing too hard to try and really figure it out, so we’re going with that.

“They offered me an internship. Might be San Francisco. Might be London.” Wasn’t this a Hilary Duff song?


Hey it’s Spencer!!! (from iCarly).

Pauley Pavilion

Okay, it’s really this guy:

BUT, COME ON... It's the SAME guy!

BUT, COME ON… It’s the SAME guy!


Jake is an idiot.

Never ever in the history of ever have two people sat next to a fresh bowl of popcorn for three minutes and only eat one piece.

The painters must have also painted Hanna’s outfit because her skirt or whatever that was matched the office’s walls.

Commercial break.

Me: *sneeze* *sneeze*
Me: Bless me.
Katie: Bless you.

“An all new Baby Daddy after an all new Melissa and Joey!” That’s one of the worst things I’ve ever heard.

Lemme just waltz on in to the police department and not get noticed, even though I’m the only colorful thing in the entire building.

So what’s more implausible: Ezra, the man-child high school teacher or this man-child detective? Rosewood, Pennsylvania’s older person is probably Hanna’s mom, who is probably 44, not that it was researched or anything.

Second commercial break.

Anyone else wonder how long Caleb was chilling out in the parking lot waiting for Mr. Marin? Hey this guy is a poor-man’s James Spader.

Two weeks in a row Emily is talking about steroids. Cover it up with “prescription meds” all you want, we know the truth.

Are they saying that mask looks like Alison? Because. It doesn’t.

The entire Hanna-Hanna’s mom scene was completely ruined by Hanna’s shirt, which just said “Meow” on it.

Hanna tried winning connect 4, but only got to two. Aria is having none of this shit.

Seriously, all of these scenes are not working with the “Meow” shirt.

Pretty Little Liars just turned into a creepy porn. “I like when people call first. That’s what it says in the ad.” This dude is about to get some serious action.

This guy is just asking for a blow job.

Emily: What do you want?
Creepy guy: Your face

Hey. How is Emily breathing?

How long do you think Mr. Marin was stalking Caleb? The roles have been reversed!

Third commercial break.

“From executive producer Jennifer Lopez.” I stopped after that.

Here is Emily’s mom’s one scene per episode.

Quote of the day: “Passion is not supposed to be easy, it’s supposed to be passionate.”

This show is so boring. All they do is look scared and stare at masks.

Oh my god I thought “Spence” was going to make out with that mask. I mean since we didn’t get any Emily-Moze action, it’s the least this show could have done for me. And speaking of Spencer, she found her half-sister’s mask, which is kind of crazy. So…

I kinda called it.


Pretty Little Liars SEA3, EP7

July 25, 2012 1 comment

Secret Life of the American Teenager is mindless and stupid. Pretty Little Liars is mindless and stupid and confusing.
This is the second full episode I’ve ever seen and the fifth I’ve at least had to hear in the background. The show begins with some random dude asking Hannah for blood. I thought I was done watching Twilight until November.
I’ve had a sneaky suspicion that the entire show is built around Aria, AKA Selena Gomez because in every picture, she is shushing me with her finger to her mouth.
CeeCee, if I’m even spelling that right, is a poor-man’s Kristen Bell, which is really saying something about the “poor-man” part I mentioned. Last time I checked, CeeCee was, like, two years old and the kid of Jim and Pam Halpert.

Ella: “Why am I asking you; you wear forks for earrings.”
I guess I’m not done watching Twilight.

Toby, the sad sap from The Office, is lurking around the high school. From what I remember, that is the guy that had sex with his step-sister and then was blamed for throwing a firecracker at her. What a relationship.
The dramatic music before the first commercial break was so loud, I could not hear the actress’ voice, which is probably okay.

Hot Ouija board action after the break. All of these blonde girls would believe in this hocus pocus.

Mona: “Spirits, do you know what happened to Alison De Laurentiis?”
Yeah, she became this woman:

Alison appeared in the window like the antagonist did in “Kindergarten Cop” when John Kimble was taking a nap.
“I am John Kimble and when I’m not a detective, I am a kindergarten teacher. My life is not-so-amazing. Also, my headache is not a tumor.”
I honestly have not been paying attention to the last five or six minutes, which will make this amazing review that much harder.
Nurse: “Her visits have to be supervised, but you won’t even know I’m here.” *Sits four feet away*

Pretty Little Liars is the type of show that you need to watch from the beginning, kind of like Arrested Development, but AD was actually a good show. It is a shame that the good guys really do finish last.

Emily: “There are things you need to know about Jenna.”
Sit back black guy and let me tell you what you need to know about Jenna. She has a full time job as a salesman after spending years at the front desk answering phone calls. Jenna is an aspiring actress and actually got a role in a film about zombies who don’t wear much clothes. She has a twin and, generally, comes from a very powerful, yet stupid Texan family, which is basically all families in Texas. Oh and she used to be blind. BYE.

CeeCee: “If I ever see you anywhere near Nate, I will scratch your eyes out.” If girls do not like when others refer to them as sandwich making girls who partake in “cat fights,” then don’t make it easy for us to call you sandwich making girls who partake in “cat fights.”

Me: And that’s Spencer?
Katie: *eating a carrot* No, that’s Hannah.
I’m never going to figure this out. Mona never smiles. It finally makes sense that I called her Mona Lisa.

Me: That’s Spencer.
Katie: Yeah.

The whole idea of Pretty Little Liars is to try and figure out who the mastermind is behind all of the havoc, otherwise known by the First Letter of the Alphabet. This entire episode had nothing to do with that. ABC Family and the damn bait-and-switch.
We watched the Big Bang Theory during the final commercial break. That was the best minute of this hour.

Hannah: “What’s up with your mom?”
Aria: “She’s a slut.”
She Lives Under Trees, or so I am told by Mona. So Aria’s mom is a hobo?

The ending of the episode depicted a pair of hands choking a baby doll.
So Pretty Little Liars is really just a reaction video to Toddlers and Tiaras.

Pretty Little Liars

April 1, 2012 Leave a comment

“If you haven’t read the books, there is no way you’d understand it by watching.”
“It’s impossible to explain.”

In my second go around with ABC Family (my first being my attack on Secret Life of the American Teenager), I get in the ring with Pretty Little Liars, perhaps the second most popular show on this rat-infested channel. Those two quotes that started this blog were said by my lovely girlfriend, Katie, who made an appearance last week as well. Upon hearing those two sentences, I thought about this guy:

Four girls get stalked. Fifth one got killed. They are trying to figure out the murderer.

Well, that wasn’t so hard.

Now with more detail (based on what I gathered online):

There are five pretty girls, hence the first word in the show’s title. Through basic searches, I found that these five actresses range between 5 feet 2 inches and 5 feet eight inches, hence the second word in the show’s title. (As a side note, when looking up Sasha Pieterse (who plays the girl that dies even before the show starts somehow), Katie told me that she was in Sharkboy & Lavagirl. Is it wrong for me to immediately hate her?)

Some of the guest stars in season one include Parker Bagley (who?), Diego Boneta (who?), Yani Gellman (who?), Cody Allen Christian (who?), and Lesley Fera (who?).

One year after the fifth girl, Allison’s, disappearance, cops find her body. Because when my friend goes missing, I wait a year before I do anything. But I was told that they tried calling her cell phone, but to no avail. Valiant effort, girls.

So this mysterious First Letter of the Alphabet shows up and sends texts to the four remaining girls about their deepest secrets.

Aria: She lived in Iceland for a year. I wonder how that conversation went down.

Dad: I cheated on your mom.
Aria: Okay.
Dad: Let’s go to Iceland for a year.
Aria: Okay.

Iceland must have done good for Aria because when she came back, her face was that of Selena Gomez.

Hello, I’m Selena Gomez

Hanna: Once chubby, now resorts to shoplifting. What a life.

Emily Fields: A swimmer on the high school team (though she should totally be into track & field(s) for obvious reasons), she is a total lesbo who loves Maya, a girl that moves into Allison’s house.

Spencer: Perfectionist and a straight first letter of the alphabet student. She is a total loner and only loves her sister’s fiancé, who she makes out with. (What the hell is with ABC Family and fiancés cheating on each other?)

Katie: He [fiancé] is British.
Me: Oooooo!

That still doesn’t make it okay.

Through the tiny biographies of the four main characters and Maya, it would seem that either Maya or Spencer killed Allison. Maya lives in Allison’s house, which is the perfect crime. Kill a girl and go steal her house! Spencer is a total loner and gets straight A’s! A is that letter we are looking for after all.

At one point in the first season, during a flashback, Allison throws a firecracker in Jenna’s garage. They call her the blind girl. That is literally the best description of Jenna I can give you. Anyway, the firecracker hit’s Jenna’s eyes. Blind girl. Allison totally did it on purpose. Bitch blind girl. Jenna probably deserved it.

Allison told Toby (no not the sad-sap from The Office), Jenna’s step-brother, to turn himself in otherwise she would reveal his secret to the skies. Toby, although he didn’t do it, has a right to throw firecrackers at Jenna. She is only his half-sister.

Toby’s secret, by the way: He had sex with Jenna. That, too, is okay because she is only his half-sister and they are not really related.

In the season finale of the first season, Allison leaves her four friends information, which prompts them to finally put an end to the First Letter of the Alphabet.

Wait. They are just now wanting to put an end to this person? What the hell have they been doing for the previous 21 episodes?! The episode ends with the text, “It’s not over until I say it is. Sleep tight while you still can bitches.”

I guess that means more for me to talk about.

Guest stars for season two include Claire Holt, Becky Buckley, Andrea Parker, and Eric Steinberg.
Who the fuck are all these people?

For the record, one of the guest stars was Lindsey Shaw, who played the tall love interest of Ned Bigby in Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide, which was easily the best show Dan Schneider and Nickelodeon ever came up with.

Season two starts with the girls telling the police the story with Ian, who fell to his death. The cops find no body and they think the four girls are liars, hence the third and final word in the show’s title.

Naturally, the entire second season is finding out who the First Letter of the Alphabet is.
Naturally, it would take them the entire second season. They took a year to put forth effort in finding Allison’s body and they took a year to finally decide that they should find this “A.”

I’ll be totally honest. I was too lazy to read anything about season two, so I skipped to the season finale. Even that felt like a book. Basically, Mona is A. I have no idea what she looks like and, chances are, neither do you. So let’s both picture Mona Lisa killing Allison and wreaking havoc on many lives. In the climax of the entire season, Mona drives to a place called Lookout Point where she intends to throw Spencer over a cliff. Mona instead slips and falls off. The show would end right there. But no. There are still eight or something books that the show needs to get through, so Mona has to survive. She later tells a random person, “I did everything you asked me to.” This implies that there are more A’s, which is weird because the English alphabet only has one “A” in it.

I’ve never been fond of TV shows and movies that are based on books by the same name. It is a no-win situation. If the TV show/movie follows the book, then you know the ending. If it doesn’t, then you’ll complain that it didn’t follow the book.

Anyway, today is April first.
Like April Fool’s Day, this show is a joke.

Secret Life of the American Teenager

March 27, 2012 Leave a comment

Season four of the hit ABC Family show returned Monday. I had never seen this television show before and I was not about to start amidst the fourth season. While playing MLB The Show 12, my girlfriend, Katie, watched the newest episode online. Our agreement is I play video games while she gets internet. For the record, I only get the internet when she sleeps, but I’m usually sleeping too. Anyway, I couldn’t help but glance at the computer screen every now and then and hear the voices because no headphones were plugged in. Apparently, hearing the sounds of a black guy robot is more appealing than Matt Vasgersian calling my spring training games. The premise for the entire show, courtesy of Katie’s mouth and my typing:

Disclaimer: I cannot stress enough the absurd fact that ALL OF THE PEOPLE MENTIONED ARE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

It started out for summer camp. Amy slept with Ricky and got pregnant, even though Ricky was dating Adrianne at the time. Amy was dating Ben, who is a clone of Ricky (seriously, they look exactly alike). Ricky broke up with Adrianne and Amy and Ben broke up. (Basically, it was like a Final Four where Amy and Ricky advanced to the championship game). Naturally, Amy and Ricky started dating. After the baby is born, Adrianne sleeps with Ben (so perhaps Adrianne and Ben made it to the championship game) simply to get back at Amy for sleeping with Ricky. Adrianne gets pregnant too. (Adrianne is two years behind Amy in her quest for becoming a mirror copy of Amy.) Adrianne and Ben start dating after the reveal of the baby. They then get married. The baby dies, which leads to two months of depression inside Adrianne’s house. Ben can’t put up with Adrianne being depressed (I don’t blame him), so he leaves. At graduation, Ricky proposes to Amy, who, dumbly, accepts. At the graduation party, Ricky kisses Adrianne (right after he proposes) to (get this) prove that Adrianne doesn’t love Ricky anymore. (Because when I prove to someone that I don’t love them, I kiss them.) Adrianne sleeps with Henry (who I refer to as Ching Chong.) Ching Chong broke up with a female Ching Chong, who walked in on him with Adrianne. Ben’s best friend was Ching Chong, but not anymore, so now it is just female Ching Chong who is Ben’s best friend. Ben met a girl (whose redhead dubs her Firecrotch.) That’s kinda where it ended.

Somewhere in this mix lies Molly Ringwald.

This is seriously the first three and a half seasons. Many teenagers having unprotected sex, smoking pot, getting married, and having multiple children all during high school. ABC Family glorifies everything we try to avoid as a society. Even the adults in the show are fucked up.

Molly Ringwald divorces Amy’s dad and moves to Florida to get very far away. She comes back (some reason with Amy) and both parents have a one night stand which leads to a surprise baby. The thing about Secret Life is that everyone has unprotected sex and every single time, it leads to a pregnancy. Ringwald claims in the most recent episode that she hates this life. I agree. I not only hate everything about everyone’s life, I hate everything about the show. About twenty-one minutes in, I tried figuring out who the best actor on the show is. Part of me wants to say Molly Ringwald because (1) I don’t know her character name and (2) She was in The Breakfast Club.


The following is a personalized character list (please do not get offended):

  1. Amy – Big nose
  2. Ricky – Ben
  3. Ben- Ricky
  4. Adrianne – Slut
  5. Henry – Ching Chong Tiny Dick
  6. Alice – Female Ching Chong
  7. Grace – Confused Blonde
  8. Jack – Confused Football player who will inevitably date Grace again
  9. Molly Ringwald
  10. Ashley – Crazy hobo
  11. I-Don’t-Know-Her-Name-But…-Redhead –  Firecrotch
  12. Raven, Mercedes, or Wendy – Bird, car, hamburger
  13. The black guys – robots
  14. Amy’s dad – Dude from Cash Cab(Not really)
  15. Ricky’s mom – Lesbian from Wizards of Waverly Place

The one messed up thing about Wizards (other than Selena Gomez) is the family, which is the only reason why I don’t watch the show. The family consists of a Mexican mother, two Mexican sons, a Mexican daughter and…a white dad. Now I’m not saying I’m racist, but with this in hand, you have to be consistent. You can’t even applaud Disney Channel for trying to be diverse.

Apparently, Amy’s kid is three years old. She is also either seventeen or eighteen, a number that could not come to a finite decision as my girlfriend and I discussed it for several minutes to no avail. Regardless, Amy must have been either fourteen or fifteen when she got pregnant. The reason for the pregnancy? It was her first time. Because on everyone’s first time, you do it no-protection. At least that’s what the writers for Secret Life like to believe.

Speaking of the show’s namesake, every character seems to know every other character. Ben is learning about Ching Chong’s sex with Adrianne via some tertiary character (I think either the bird, car, or hamburger).

How secret are these lives really?

For the record, Ben is a total dick. He got pissed at Ching Chong for doing it with Adrianne. Ben was not even with Adrianne, the slut, at the time, so why he is pissed in the first place is messed up. But the added reason for the dick-ness is that at the beginning of the episode, Ben was talking to Firecrotch on the phone. He was totally going to get in her pants, ultimately, because of his Tony Soprano father.

My wild predictions for a show I’ve seen a grand total of 10 minutes:

-Ricky (a giant player) leaves Amy at the alter admitting he cheated on her (because that is one of the major themes of the show along with terrible marriages)
-Molly Ringwald will get back together with Amy’s dad for good – the guy deserves it. He is the only non-ridiculous person on the show
-Adrianne and Ching Chong will get more serious, which will lead to Adrianne receiving death threats from Female Ching Chong, which will turn into something similar to Pretty Little Liars, which means the actors can now be on both shows.

In the end, Secret Life shows us that, hey, our lives will never be like that. It makes us feel better about the situations we are in. It sends the message that, even though you dropped your precious ice cream on the ground today, at least your boyfriend who impregnated you didn’t cheat today.

Everybody wins.

Except people like me who hate this shit.