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Pretty Little Liars – Season 4, Episode 3

June 26, 2013 Leave a comment

NOTE: I’m surprised it’s taken me this long to add a note, but I should note (see what I did there?) that in order to fully enjoy this blog post, it helps if you have seen this particular episode.

Either I have no life, or this is a major accomplishment – having the will to “review” two straight Pretty Little Liars episodes.

Dude, Aria just made a connect four. She’d probably be the black pieces. I’m liking Spencer’s hair. She looks all innocent, so some sort of shit-storm is going to happen to her during this hour. MARK MY WORDS.

This baker invited Aria’s mom to Austria to sit next to a castle and eat celery. At least I’m pretty sure that’s what he said. I was laughing too hard to try and really figure it out, so we’re going with that.

“They offered me an internship. Might be San Francisco. Might be London.” Wasn’t this a Hilary Duff song?

I’M FUCKING SERIOUS ARIA. STOP SHUSHING ME DURING THE THEME SONG.

Hey it’s Spencer!!! (from iCarly).

Pauley Pavilion

Okay, it’s really this guy:

BUT, COME ON... It's the SAME guy!

BUT, COME ON… It’s the SAME guy!

Samesies.

Jake is an idiot.

Never ever in the history of ever have two people sat next to a fresh bowl of popcorn for three minutes and only eat one piece.

The painters must have also painted Hanna’s outfit because her skirt or whatever that was matched the office’s walls.

Commercial break.

Me: *sneeze* *sneeze*
*Pause*
Me: Bless me.
Katie: Bless you.

“An all new Baby Daddy after an all new Melissa and Joey!” That’s one of the worst things I’ve ever heard.

Lemme just waltz on in to the police department and not get noticed, even though I’m the only colorful thing in the entire building.

So what’s more implausible: Ezra, the man-child high school teacher or this man-child detective? Rosewood, Pennsylvania’s older person is probably Hanna’s mom, who is probably 44, not that it was researched or anything.

Second commercial break.

Anyone else wonder how long Caleb was chilling out in the parking lot waiting for Mr. Marin? Hey this guy is a poor-man’s James Spader.

Two weeks in a row Emily is talking about steroids. Cover it up with “prescription meds” all you want, we know the truth.

Are they saying that mask looks like Alison? Because. It doesn’t.

The entire Hanna-Hanna’s mom scene was completely ruined by Hanna’s shirt, which just said “Meow” on it.

Hanna tried winning connect 4, but only got to two. Aria is having none of this shit.

Seriously, all of these scenes are not working with the “Meow” shirt.

Pretty Little Liars just turned into a creepy porn. “I like when people call first. That’s what it says in the ad.” This dude is about to get some serious action.

This guy is just asking for a blow job.

Emily: What do you want?
Creepy guy: Your face

Hey. How is Emily breathing?

How long do you think Mr. Marin was stalking Caleb? The roles have been reversed!

Third commercial break.

“From executive producer Jennifer Lopez.” I stopped after that.

Here is Emily’s mom’s one scene per episode.

Quote of the day: “Passion is not supposed to be easy, it’s supposed to be passionate.”

This show is so boring. All they do is look scared and stare at masks.

Oh my god I thought “Spence” was going to make out with that mask. I mean since we didn’t get any Emily-Moze action, it’s the least this show could have done for me. And speaking of Spencer, she found her half-sister’s mask, which is kind of crazy. So…

I kinda called it.

Pretty Little Liars SEA3, EP7

July 25, 2012 1 comment

Secret Life of the American Teenager is mindless and stupid. Pretty Little Liars is mindless and stupid and confusing.
This is the second full episode I’ve ever seen and the fifth I’ve at least had to hear in the background. The show begins with some random dude asking Hannah for blood. I thought I was done watching Twilight until November.
I’ve had a sneaky suspicion that the entire show is built around Aria, AKA Selena Gomez because in every picture, she is shushing me with her finger to her mouth.
CeeCee, if I’m even spelling that right, is a poor-man’s Kristen Bell, which is really saying something about the “poor-man” part I mentioned. Last time I checked, CeeCee was, like, two years old and the kid of Jim and Pam Halpert.

Ella: “Why am I asking you; you wear forks for earrings.”
I guess I’m not done watching Twilight.

Toby, the sad sap from The Office, is lurking around the high school. From what I remember, that is the guy that had sex with his step-sister and then was blamed for throwing a firecracker at her. What a relationship.
The dramatic music before the first commercial break was so loud, I could not hear the actress’ voice, which is probably okay.

Hot Ouija board action after the break. All of these blonde girls would believe in this hocus pocus.

Mona: “Spirits, do you know what happened to Alison De Laurentiis?”
Yeah, she became this woman:

Alison appeared in the window like the antagonist did in “Kindergarten Cop” when John Kimble was taking a nap.
“I am John Kimble and when I’m not a detective, I am a kindergarten teacher. My life is not-so-amazing. Also, my headache is not a tumor.”
I honestly have not been paying attention to the last five or six minutes, which will make this amazing review that much harder.
Nurse: “Her visits have to be supervised, but you won’t even know I’m here.” *Sits four feet away*

Pretty Little Liars is the type of show that you need to watch from the beginning, kind of like Arrested Development, but AD was actually a good show. It is a shame that the good guys really do finish last.

Emily: “There are things you need to know about Jenna.”
Sit back black guy and let me tell you what you need to know about Jenna. She has a full time job as a salesman after spending years at the front desk answering phone calls. Jenna is an aspiring actress and actually got a role in a film about zombies who don’t wear much clothes. She has a twin and, generally, comes from a very powerful, yet stupid Texan family, which is basically all families in Texas. Oh and she used to be blind. BYE.

CeeCee: “If I ever see you anywhere near Nate, I will scratch your eyes out.” If girls do not like when others refer to them as sandwich making girls who partake in “cat fights,” then don’t make it easy for us to call you sandwich making girls who partake in “cat fights.”

Me: And that’s Spencer?
Katie: *eating a carrot* No, that’s Hannah.
I’m never going to figure this out. Mona never smiles. It finally makes sense that I called her Mona Lisa.

Me: That’s Spencer.
Katie: Yeah.

The whole idea of Pretty Little Liars is to try and figure out who the mastermind is behind all of the havoc, otherwise known by the First Letter of the Alphabet. This entire episode had nothing to do with that. ABC Family and the damn bait-and-switch.
We watched the Big Bang Theory during the final commercial break. That was the best minute of this hour.

Hannah: “What’s up with your mom?”
Aria: “She’s a slut.”
She Lives Under Trees, or so I am told by Mona. So Aria’s mom is a hobo?

The ending of the episode depicted a pair of hands choking a baby doll.
So Pretty Little Liars is really just a reaction video to Toddlers and Tiaras.