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Secret Life of the American Teenager SEA5, EP6

July 24, 2012 Leave a comment

It is a terrible idea to watch Secret Life of the American Teenager’s first episode of the fifth season and then not again until episode six. Then again, it is a terrible idea to watch this show to begin with. I mean, what the hell is going on?

That Justin Beiber look alike could not keep it in his pants when it came to pursuing Madison and now, he is with some new female Ching Chong talking to a random black woman who happens to be meandering on the street. This older woman seems to know an awful lot about both teenagers.
Finally, diversity.
The woman reminded me of Oprah Winfrey from The Color Purple, but she is the foster mom of Justin Beiber. This is literally the first time I’ve ever heard of a white kid getting adopted by a black woman.
Amy’s dad is with a different woman. A much younger woman!

Me: They are together?
Katie: Yeah.
Me: Where is Molly Ringwald?
Katie: She’s gay.

 

Grace told Justin to sit behind the organ. Makes sense. Make him sing, yo.
Omar, who is easily in his 30s, is dating Adrianne, who just started college.
Hold on, Tom is talking. I need to really really pay attention to understand what he is saying.
I could not understand. All I heard was “down syndrome.”

Ricky is talking to some Indian man after the first commercial break. Who is this guy? ABC Family needs to explain things for people like me who watch every fifth episode.
The Indian man adopted Ricky when he was younger. Turns out, the Indian man and the black woman are married. I think them two along with Ricky and Justin Beiber alone could make a wonderful spin-off.
Reverse Adoption.
India Is Black For Good.
Poverty Rules.

Amy: I don’t want my mother at my wedding…and it’s not because she’s gay.
Black woman thinking: Yes it is.
Me: Yes it is.

Later on…

Amy: “I don’t have a family.”
Welp, I guess that means the Indian and black woman can adopt you.

I asked where the sausage king was and right on cue, he popped up on screen.

Me: Is he [Ben] still dating Firecrotch?
Katie: No. They had to break up.
Me: Had. Why?
Katie: They blew up a school.

During the third commercial break, an iPhone commercial came on. Siri was the best actor through the first 35 minutes and there is a 65% chance that stays the same way by the top of the hour.
For the second time, the show came back on starting with Tom. I just waited, like two minutes for the show to come back on and now I have to wait a few minutes more before I can understand anyone.

Dad: Jack…Jack…JACK.
Jack: Oh, sorry, I was just listening to “We Are the Champions” thinking about the failures of my life.
Okay, not really, but he was cradling a football listening to music.

Katie: They say he [Jack] is the next Tebow.

 

Dillon wants Ben, who cheated on her with his best friend, Alice. Dillon doesn’t know and Ben wants to prove to Dillon’s mom that he is sane. While this is complete gobbledygook, I just want a pickle.
Alice wants to get back together with Henry, who does not know that Ben and Alice had sex, but Henry just wants to be friends with Alice because he does not want to date, at least not since he had sex with Adrianne, Ben’s ex-wife.

Jack randomly wants to marry Grace. I believe I said in my last blog about Secret Life that the football player would inevitably get back together with the cheerleader. Everything is falling into place. I’m like Nostradamus, except that I am not a phony.

Justin Beiber and the new female Ching Chong just kissed for the first time. The girl said that it made her happy. Happy happy.
Which means she probably has a penis.

The show is over and now something called Bunheads is on, which is a nice insult for a stupid person or a stupid show about ballerinas.

100% chance Siri was the best actor.