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Pretty Little Liars SEA3, EP7

July 25, 2012 1 comment

Secret Life of the American Teenager is mindless and stupid. Pretty Little Liars is mindless and stupid and confusing.
This is the second full episode I’ve ever seen and the fifth I’ve at least had to hear in the background. The show begins with some random dude asking Hannah for blood. I thought I was done watching Twilight until November.
I’ve had a sneaky suspicion that the entire show is built around Aria, AKA Selena Gomez because in every picture, she is shushing me with her finger to her mouth.
CeeCee, if I’m even spelling that right, is a poor-man’s Kristen Bell, which is really saying something about the “poor-man” part I mentioned. Last time I checked, CeeCee was, like, two years old and the kid of Jim and Pam Halpert.

Ella: “Why am I asking you; you wear forks for earrings.”
I guess I’m not done watching Twilight.

Toby, the sad sap from The Office, is lurking around the high school. From what I remember, that is the guy that had sex with his step-sister and then was blamed for throwing a firecracker at her. What a relationship.
The dramatic music before the first commercial break was so loud, I could not hear the actress’ voice, which is probably okay.

Hot Ouija board action after the break. All of these blonde girls would believe in this hocus pocus.

Mona: “Spirits, do you know what happened to Alison De Laurentiis?”
Yeah, she became this woman:

Alison appeared in the window like the antagonist did in “Kindergarten Cop” when John Kimble was taking a nap.
“I am John Kimble and when I’m not a detective, I am a kindergarten teacher. My life is not-so-amazing. Also, my headache is not a tumor.”
I honestly have not been paying attention to the last five or six minutes, which will make this amazing review that much harder.
Nurse: “Her visits have to be supervised, but you won’t even know I’m here.” *Sits four feet away*

Pretty Little Liars is the type of show that you need to watch from the beginning, kind of like Arrested Development, but AD was actually a good show. It is a shame that the good guys really do finish last.

Emily: “There are things you need to know about Jenna.”
Sit back black guy and let me tell you what you need to know about Jenna. She has a full time job as a salesman after spending years at the front desk answering phone calls. Jenna is an aspiring actress and actually got a role in a film about zombies who don’t wear much clothes. She has a twin and, generally, comes from a very powerful, yet stupid Texan family, which is basically all families in Texas. Oh and she used to be blind. BYE.

CeeCee: “If I ever see you anywhere near Nate, I will scratch your eyes out.” If girls do not like when others refer to them as sandwich making girls who partake in “cat fights,” then don’t make it easy for us to call you sandwich making girls who partake in “cat fights.”

Me: And that’s Spencer?
Katie: *eating a carrot* No, that’s Hannah.
I’m never going to figure this out. Mona never smiles. It finally makes sense that I called her Mona Lisa.

Me: That’s Spencer.
Katie: Yeah.

The whole idea of Pretty Little Liars is to try and figure out who the mastermind is behind all of the havoc, otherwise known by the First Letter of the Alphabet. This entire episode had nothing to do with that. ABC Family and the damn bait-and-switch.
We watched the Big Bang Theory during the final commercial break. That was the best minute of this hour.

Hannah: “What’s up with your mom?”
Aria: “She’s a slut.”
She Lives Under Trees, or so I am told by Mona. So Aria’s mom is a hobo?

The ending of the episode depicted a pair of hands choking a baby doll.
So Pretty Little Liars is really just a reaction video to Toddlers and Tiaras.

Secret Life of the American Teenager SEA5, EP6

July 24, 2012 Leave a comment

It is a terrible idea to watch Secret Life of the American Teenager’s first episode of the fifth season and then not again until episode six. Then again, it is a terrible idea to watch this show to begin with. I mean, what the hell is going on?

That Justin Beiber look alike could not keep it in his pants when it came to pursuing Madison and now, he is with some new female Ching Chong talking to a random black woman who happens to be meandering on the street. This older woman seems to know an awful lot about both teenagers.
Finally, diversity.
The woman reminded me of Oprah Winfrey from The Color Purple, but she is the foster mom of Justin Beiber. This is literally the first time I’ve ever heard of a white kid getting adopted by a black woman.
Amy’s dad is with a different woman. A much younger woman!

Me: They are together?
Katie: Yeah.
Me: Where is Molly Ringwald?
Katie: She’s gay.

 

Grace told Justin to sit behind the organ. Makes sense. Make him sing, yo.
Omar, who is easily in his 30s, is dating Adrianne, who just started college.
Hold on, Tom is talking. I need to really really pay attention to understand what he is saying.
I could not understand. All I heard was “down syndrome.”

Ricky is talking to some Indian man after the first commercial break. Who is this guy? ABC Family needs to explain things for people like me who watch every fifth episode.
The Indian man adopted Ricky when he was younger. Turns out, the Indian man and the black woman are married. I think them two along with Ricky and Justin Beiber alone could make a wonderful spin-off.
Reverse Adoption.
India Is Black For Good.
Poverty Rules.

Amy: I don’t want my mother at my wedding…and it’s not because she’s gay.
Black woman thinking: Yes it is.
Me: Yes it is.

Later on…

Amy: “I don’t have a family.”
Welp, I guess that means the Indian and black woman can adopt you.

I asked where the sausage king was and right on cue, he popped up on screen.

Me: Is he [Ben] still dating Firecrotch?
Katie: No. They had to break up.
Me: Had. Why?
Katie: They blew up a school.

During the third commercial break, an iPhone commercial came on. Siri was the best actor through the first 35 minutes and there is a 65% chance that stays the same way by the top of the hour.
For the second time, the show came back on starting with Tom. I just waited, like two minutes for the show to come back on and now I have to wait a few minutes more before I can understand anyone.

Dad: Jack…Jack…JACK.
Jack: Oh, sorry, I was just listening to “We Are the Champions” thinking about the failures of my life.
Okay, not really, but he was cradling a football listening to music.

Katie: They say he [Jack] is the next Tebow.

 

Dillon wants Ben, who cheated on her with his best friend, Alice. Dillon doesn’t know and Ben wants to prove to Dillon’s mom that he is sane. While this is complete gobbledygook, I just want a pickle.
Alice wants to get back together with Henry, who does not know that Ben and Alice had sex, but Henry just wants to be friends with Alice because he does not want to date, at least not since he had sex with Adrianne, Ben’s ex-wife.

Jack randomly wants to marry Grace. I believe I said in my last blog about Secret Life that the football player would inevitably get back together with the cheerleader. Everything is falling into place. I’m like Nostradamus, except that I am not a phony.

Justin Beiber and the new female Ching Chong just kissed for the first time. The girl said that it made her happy. Happy happy.
Which means she probably has a penis.

The show is over and now something called Bunheads is on, which is a nice insult for a stupid person or a stupid show about ballerinas.

100% chance Siri was the best actor.

Secret Life of the American Teenager

March 27, 2012 Leave a comment

Season four of the hit ABC Family show returned Monday. I had never seen this television show before and I was not about to start amidst the fourth season. While playing MLB The Show 12, my girlfriend, Katie, watched the newest episode online. Our agreement is I play video games while she gets internet. For the record, I only get the internet when she sleeps, but I’m usually sleeping too. Anyway, I couldn’t help but glance at the computer screen every now and then and hear the voices because no headphones were plugged in. Apparently, hearing the sounds of a black guy robot is more appealing than Matt Vasgersian calling my spring training games. The premise for the entire show, courtesy of Katie’s mouth and my typing:

Disclaimer: I cannot stress enough the absurd fact that ALL OF THE PEOPLE MENTIONED ARE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

It started out for summer camp. Amy slept with Ricky and got pregnant, even though Ricky was dating Adrianne at the time. Amy was dating Ben, who is a clone of Ricky (seriously, they look exactly alike). Ricky broke up with Adrianne and Amy and Ben broke up. (Basically, it was like a Final Four where Amy and Ricky advanced to the championship game). Naturally, Amy and Ricky started dating. After the baby is born, Adrianne sleeps with Ben (so perhaps Adrianne and Ben made it to the championship game) simply to get back at Amy for sleeping with Ricky. Adrianne gets pregnant too. (Adrianne is two years behind Amy in her quest for becoming a mirror copy of Amy.) Adrianne and Ben start dating after the reveal of the baby. They then get married. The baby dies, which leads to two months of depression inside Adrianne’s house. Ben can’t put up with Adrianne being depressed (I don’t blame him), so he leaves. At graduation, Ricky proposes to Amy, who, dumbly, accepts. At the graduation party, Ricky kisses Adrianne (right after he proposes) to (get this) prove that Adrianne doesn’t love Ricky anymore. (Because when I prove to someone that I don’t love them, I kiss them.) Adrianne sleeps with Henry (who I refer to as Ching Chong.) Ching Chong broke up with a female Ching Chong, who walked in on him with Adrianne. Ben’s best friend was Ching Chong, but not anymore, so now it is just female Ching Chong who is Ben’s best friend. Ben met a girl (whose redhead dubs her Firecrotch.) That’s kinda where it ended.

Somewhere in this mix lies Molly Ringwald.

This is seriously the first three and a half seasons. Many teenagers having unprotected sex, smoking pot, getting married, and having multiple children all during high school. ABC Family glorifies everything we try to avoid as a society. Even the adults in the show are fucked up.

Molly Ringwald divorces Amy’s dad and moves to Florida to get very far away. She comes back (some reason with Amy) and both parents have a one night stand which leads to a surprise baby. The thing about Secret Life is that everyone has unprotected sex and every single time, it leads to a pregnancy. Ringwald claims in the most recent episode that she hates this life. I agree. I not only hate everything about everyone’s life, I hate everything about the show. About twenty-one minutes in, I tried figuring out who the best actor on the show is. Part of me wants to say Molly Ringwald because (1) I don’t know her character name and (2) She was in The Breakfast Club.

Here.

The following is a personalized character list (please do not get offended):

  1. Amy – Big nose
  2. Ricky – Ben
  3. Ben- Ricky
  4. Adrianne – Slut
  5. Henry – Ching Chong Tiny Dick
  6. Alice – Female Ching Chong
  7. Grace – Confused Blonde
  8. Jack – Confused Football player who will inevitably date Grace again
  9. Molly Ringwald
  10. Ashley – Crazy hobo
  11. I-Don’t-Know-Her-Name-But…-Redhead –  Firecrotch
  12. Raven, Mercedes, or Wendy – Bird, car, hamburger
  13. The black guys – robots
  14. Amy’s dad – Dude from Cash Cab(Not really)
  15. Ricky’s mom – Lesbian from Wizards of Waverly Place

The one messed up thing about Wizards (other than Selena Gomez) is the family, which is the only reason why I don’t watch the show. The family consists of a Mexican mother, two Mexican sons, a Mexican daughter and…a white dad. Now I’m not saying I’m racist, but with this in hand, you have to be consistent. You can’t even applaud Disney Channel for trying to be diverse.

Apparently, Amy’s kid is three years old. She is also either seventeen or eighteen, a number that could not come to a finite decision as my girlfriend and I discussed it for several minutes to no avail. Regardless, Amy must have been either fourteen or fifteen when she got pregnant. The reason for the pregnancy? It was her first time. Because on everyone’s first time, you do it no-protection. At least that’s what the writers for Secret Life like to believe.

Speaking of the show’s namesake, every character seems to know every other character. Ben is learning about Ching Chong’s sex with Adrianne via some tertiary character (I think either the bird, car, or hamburger).

How secret are these lives really?

For the record, Ben is a total dick. He got pissed at Ching Chong for doing it with Adrianne. Ben was not even with Adrianne, the slut, at the time, so why he is pissed in the first place is messed up. But the added reason for the dick-ness is that at the beginning of the episode, Ben was talking to Firecrotch on the phone. He was totally going to get in her pants, ultimately, because of his Tony Soprano father.

My wild predictions for a show I’ve seen a grand total of 10 minutes:

-Ricky (a giant player) leaves Amy at the alter admitting he cheated on her (because that is one of the major themes of the show along with terrible marriages)
-Molly Ringwald will get back together with Amy’s dad for good – the guy deserves it. He is the only non-ridiculous person on the show
-Adrianne and Ching Chong will get more serious, which will lead to Adrianne receiving death threats from Female Ching Chong, which will turn into something similar to Pretty Little Liars, which means the actors can now be on both shows.

In the end, Secret Life shows us that, hey, our lives will never be like that. It makes us feel better about the situations we are in. It sends the message that, even though you dropped your precious ice cream on the ground today, at least your boyfriend who impregnated you didn’t cheat today.

Everybody wins.

Except people like me who hate this shit.