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Secret Life of the American Teenager SEA5, EP6

July 24, 2012 Leave a comment

It is a terrible idea to watch Secret Life of the American Teenager’s first episode of the fifth season and then not again until episode six. Then again, it is a terrible idea to watch this show to begin with. I mean, what the hell is going on?

That Justin Beiber look alike could not keep it in his pants when it came to pursuing Madison and now, he is with some new female Ching Chong talking to a random black woman who happens to be meandering on the street. This older woman seems to know an awful lot about both teenagers.
Finally, diversity.
The woman reminded me of Oprah Winfrey from The Color Purple, but she is the foster mom of Justin Beiber. This is literally the first time I’ve ever heard of a white kid getting adopted by a black woman.
Amy’s dad is with a different woman. A much younger woman!

Me: They are together?
Katie: Yeah.
Me: Where is Molly Ringwald?
Katie: She’s gay.

 

Grace told Justin to sit behind the organ. Makes sense. Make him sing, yo.
Omar, who is easily in his 30s, is dating Adrianne, who just started college.
Hold on, Tom is talking. I need to really really pay attention to understand what he is saying.
I could not understand. All I heard was “down syndrome.”

Ricky is talking to some Indian man after the first commercial break. Who is this guy? ABC Family needs to explain things for people like me who watch every fifth episode.
The Indian man adopted Ricky when he was younger. Turns out, the Indian man and the black woman are married. I think them two along with Ricky and Justin Beiber alone could make a wonderful spin-off.
Reverse Adoption.
India Is Black For Good.
Poverty Rules.

Amy: I don’t want my mother at my wedding…and it’s not because she’s gay.
Black woman thinking: Yes it is.
Me: Yes it is.

Later on…

Amy: “I don’t have a family.”
Welp, I guess that means the Indian and black woman can adopt you.

I asked where the sausage king was and right on cue, he popped up on screen.

Me: Is he [Ben] still dating Firecrotch?
Katie: No. They had to break up.
Me: Had. Why?
Katie: They blew up a school.

During the third commercial break, an iPhone commercial came on. Siri was the best actor through the first 35 minutes and there is a 65% chance that stays the same way by the top of the hour.
For the second time, the show came back on starting with Tom. I just waited, like two minutes for the show to come back on and now I have to wait a few minutes more before I can understand anyone.

Dad: Jack…Jack…JACK.
Jack: Oh, sorry, I was just listening to “We Are the Champions” thinking about the failures of my life.
Okay, not really, but he was cradling a football listening to music.

Katie: They say he [Jack] is the next Tebow.

 

Dillon wants Ben, who cheated on her with his best friend, Alice. Dillon doesn’t know and Ben wants to prove to Dillon’s mom that he is sane. While this is complete gobbledygook, I just want a pickle.
Alice wants to get back together with Henry, who does not know that Ben and Alice had sex, but Henry just wants to be friends with Alice because he does not want to date, at least not since he had sex with Adrianne, Ben’s ex-wife.

Jack randomly wants to marry Grace. I believe I said in my last blog about Secret Life that the football player would inevitably get back together with the cheerleader. Everything is falling into place. I’m like Nostradamus, except that I am not a phony.

Justin Beiber and the new female Ching Chong just kissed for the first time. The girl said that it made her happy. Happy happy.
Which means she probably has a penis.

The show is over and now something called Bunheads is on, which is a nice insult for a stupid person or a stupid show about ballerinas.

100% chance Siri was the best actor.

Downward Spiral of The Office

May 31, 2012 1 comment

The first five seasons of The Office were fantastic. Then the sixth season happened. And seventh. And eighth. The whole idea of The Office was having a documentary camera crew come in and film the lives of employees at a paper company, Dunder Mifflin. While the first episode of the first season was practically a shot-for-shot remake of the original British version of the same name, it was amazing. It felt like a documentary. This is what set The Office apart from shows like Friends, Seinfeld, and other classics.

There was no audience or completely set script,with the added feel of Survivor-esque filming. The actors were believable when they looked at the camera or had talking heads, there was no music, and it felt real. That first episode set the stage for what would become one of America’s favorite shows. Jim’s jello antics set the stage for the type of relationship he and Dwight would have, the talking heads about yogurt would give us an idea about Jim and Pam (and Roy, to an extent). Michael thinking the person on the phone was a man when it was in fact a woman was only a microscopic view of what would become of the That’s-What-She-Said Michael Scott.

Somewhere along the lines, however, The Office became less of a mockumentary and more of a sole comedy, which are two different things. This mockumentary type show allowed for awkward silences, but as the series progressed, the show tried too hard. Not a single time during the entire first season, which was only six episodes, did any of the characters venture off outside the building or parking lot while the camera crew was filming. The producers and writers obviously understood that there is only so much you can do within the office, which was evident in “The Dundies,” the season two premiere. By quick glance, I can recall eight different episodes in the second season where the majority of the action is outside the building, known as the “Business Park” within the show. If you jump to season six, there are at least fourteen separate episodes where most of the plot is outside of the Business park. The first couple of seasons showed us situations and plots that were real and stuff we could all relate to. By season six, you have co-managers, people falling into Koi ponds, the camera crew filming at a hospital and Niagara Falls, and the whole Twelve Days of Christmas charade.

Knowing that season seven was going to be Steve Carell’s last as Michael Scott, the writers had quite the dilemma: figure out a way for Scott to leave, make his last season the best, and his replacement, all while avoiding ignoring every other character. Season seven was incredibly rushed with the return of Holly Flax. Holly, through a matter of a couple episodes, was engaged to another man, broke off the engagement, and began dating Michael. As soon as the viewer finds out of Holly’s return during the Christmas episode (which features the best Jim/Dwight plot in the show’s run), you know how his time is going to end: he will get married to her. The added “twist” was Holly’s parents needed accompanying. Naturally, Holly and Michael need to go to Colorado where the parents are to take care of them.

Despite season seven being a lackluster season, “Goodbye, Michael” was easily one of my favorites during the show’s run. But of course it would have to be. Watching one of the best television characters of all time leave after seven years is quite emotional and writers of The Office did a marvelous job with that.

Now, The Office had to face an issue for the first time: life after Steve Carell and Michael Scott. The show had its moments in the past when Scott was out and about (“Office Olympics,” trying to win clients back with food baskets, and the Hilary Swank debate all come to mind). Of course you can’t have a running office without a manager, so finding a replacement takes prevalence. Will Ferrell stepped in for four-some-odd episodes and it was the worst four-episode stretch The Office ever had. Any viewer that reads about the show knew he would only be on for a few episodes, so he has to leave somehow. Trying to dunk a basketball from the free throw line and severely injuring himself does the trick. The finale of season seven is interviewing various candidates. Part of me wanted to call out a “Jumping the Shark” when they got Ray Romano, Warren Buffet, James Spader, Jim Carrey, Will Arnett, Ricky Gervais, Kathy Bates, and Catherine Tate…all in the same episode. When the show doesn’t announce the new manager at the end of the season, viewers can wait for news to come out during the summer about which actor/actress got the part, which destroys the suspense.

James Spader as Michael Scott’s replacement was the best choice. Making tertiary characters have bigger parts was not. Kevin, the idiotic accountant, had a much bigger part in season eight and that struck me the wrong way. I’d choose Creed over Kevin any day. The end of season eight, the show’s most current, sees David Wallace, easily one of my favorite characters, buying out Dunder Mifflin (now called Dunder Mifflin-Sabre) for somewhere in the realm of $20 million, which leads me to my final point.

How is Dunder Mifflin still a viable company? Dunder Mifflin branches in Pittsfield, Stamford, Camden, Yonkers, Buffalo, and Binghamton have all closed down, all within eight years of each other. This leaves four branches still operating, according to the weight loss board in “Weight Loss” of season five. All of these branches are closing and yet, the one branch with the most antics has some sort of immunity? When the branch was run by Michael Scott, nothing ever got done and that is not an understatement. When Robert California (James Spader) is running the show, branches accidently get closed because of drunkenness.

In the end, if a viewer was to go up to all the cast and crew of a 2005 Office and tell them about the show in 2012, they’d probably laugh at how wrong you would be. No way would the camera crew somehow be in the exact locations to film a car chase scene (“Free Family Portrait Studio”), Kevin, Meredith, and Erin (who was not even around in 2005, but whatever) winning a trivia contest, the entire company being worth $20 million, and Catherine Tate and her British-ness running the branch for a while.

They would laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.

And yet, it is happening.

Random Musings

June 19, 2011 Leave a comment

I noticed that Green Bay calls itself Titletown. I don’t agree with this. And it’s not because I’m a Chiefs fan. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Green Bay isn’t a town. Generally speaking, the United States classifies a place a “town” when it has less than ten thousand people. Green Bay? 104,057 (as of the 2010 census. For the record, when I visit Green Bay, it becomes 104,058). As a side note, there is such a place as Green Bay Town, Wisconsin. Now that is a town. The only thing going for Green Bay (which isn’t even Green. The water is poopy brown) is its football team. You know, the Acme Packing Company. The team has won four Super Bowls (fourth-most in the NFL) and a total of 13 championships (this includes football prior to 1967, which no one cares about). To be a Titletown, you should probably have more than one team. Look at the Yankees. Twenty-seven championships. Look at the Lakers of Los Angeles. Fourteen titles. The Boston Celtics? Seventeen championships. You don’t see those teams showing any signs of being conceited.  If you are going to be called “Titletown,” then that specific “town” should have a rich history in winning at sports and not just in football. Chicago, New York, and Dallas all have better cases. Even if none of them are towns.

Breaking Bad returns July 17, ten days after I come from seeing my girlfriend in “Titletown.” This is by far the greatest show on television. I don’t know why a show about singing high school buffoons is getting ten million viewers and how a show about singers getting made fun of by a man named Simon gets a staggering thirty million, while Breaking Bad gets about 1.5 million. People and their passion with singing these days. The show, which will start its fourth season in under a month, is about a chemistry teacher turned drug dealer. You know the funny dad from Malcolm in the Middle? Yeah. That drug dealing teacher is that guy. Bryan Cranston is as good of an actor as you will see on television today. Maybe that’s why he has won the the award for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series at the Emmy’s…three years in a row. I recommend watching the first three seasons right now so you’ll be ready for the fourth season when it starts on July 17 at 10pm on AMC. I do not work for AMC and don’t get money for this.

Finally, I’ll end this by talking about both my favorite band and the best band of all time, The White Stripes. With seven albums and eighty-seven total songs, I’ve narrowed it down to the top fifteen to create their eighth album: The Best Of: The White Stripes. (You can click on each song to hear it. You are welcome.)

Track 1: Seven Nation Army
It shows up first on Elephant and it shows up first here. Might as well start with their most popular song, right?
Track 2: Hardest Button to Button
Also from Elephant, this is probably the coolest music video you’ll ever see (not counting the Grand Rapids American Pie video, of course).
Track 3: Icky Thump
The White Stripes most political song of all time comes on the album of the same name.
Track 4: In The Cold Cold Night
We’ll go from that heavy rock to a much softer song and a completely different voice! That’s Meg White (the drummer) singing.
Track 5: Little Acorns
Enjoy Mort Crim’s little story at the beginning
Track 6: Black Math
In my mind, the best solo of any of their eighty-seven songs.
Track 7: One More Cup of Coffee
The White Stripes have many influences and Bob Dylan is one of them. From their debut album, The White Stripes.
Track 8: We’re Going To Be Friends
Think Napoleon Dynamite here. Also, its my girlfriend’s favorite song by them, so I have to include it.
Track 9: Black Jack Davey
Another Bob Dylan cover, but its better than the original.
Track 10: Let’s Shake Hands
Catchy and has a nice little solo. Great live version on Under Great White Northern Lights.
Track 11: Denial Twist
Trippy music video and Conan O’Brien makes an appearance. It’s his favorite band too.
Track 12: Fell In Love With A Girl
Nice guitar riff and fun to sing randomly.
Track 13: Conquest
Jack includes trumpets and I love trumpets. He also sings the Spanish version of this song. Is there nothing this man can’t do?!
Track 14: Hotel Yorba
You know you would visit this hotel.
Track 15: Apple Blossom
I think the girls will agree with me on this one.

I just wish The White Stripes were still making beautiful music…